First of all, let me start off by saying: Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year as well!

OK, now that we have that out of the way let me just cut right to the chase and tell you what I think you’re going to be pretty happy and surprised to hear:

This whole War on Christmas thing? Me and my secularist friends’ plot to take away by activist judge the holiday you hold most sacred and dear?  It doesn’t exist. Never did. Your yuletide season is as safe and sound as a babe in swaddling clothes.

To be honest with you I had thought we were long past this, but driving around town this afternoon the War on Christmas was almost all I heard on every talk radio station.  And we’re barely past Thanksgiving!  You all seemed very worried this might be the year we secularists finally “win” and replace It’s a Wonderful Life with some Tyler Perry Kwanza vehicle, so I am writing to you today to let you know its all going to be OK.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that in a country of 300 million there isn’t anyone out there who doesn’t want to ban Christmas. Just like I’m sure there are some people out there who support NAMBLA, or believe that wearing foil on your head keeps the CIA from being able to read your mind, or will argue that Steve Guttenberg is the greatest actor of his generation. These people probably exist, and if you hit the Google you’re sure to find proof of them. It’s just that they’re not that big of a cross section, if you catch my drift.

But this idea of all of us secular people gathering in our vegan-only communes, strategizing how to make Christmas trees illegal? It’s just not true. Trust me! I’m a secular! I have a lot of secular friends! We live in Portland-Fishing-Oregon, for X’s sake, and we all celebrate Christmas. And, I swear to all that is good and holy, it’s really OK with us if you do too.

These politicians and pundits that have been telling you we want you to give up Christmas carols, and stockings, and believing in the baby Jesus are… um… Well, let’s just say they’ve kind of got their wires a bit crossed, or misunderstood something one of us said over a bad cell phone connection, or were the object of a practical joke by our secular friend Keith or something. Because we want you to have a great Christmas. We’ll even join you in a glass of mulled wine. OK? Are we square?

Look, in the future, here’s a good tip for stuff like this: If you are worried that we secularists are trying to destroy your way of life, come ask us. We’ll be straight with you, I promise. Like if someone decides to, say, make it illegal to build a mosque in your neighborhood? I’ll tell ya right now, we’ll have a problem with that – and we’ll be lining up our gay, communist, terrorist-sympathizing judges to subvert goodness and democracy.

But we don’t hate Christmas. Stop listening to people who tell you we do. Please. It’s embarrassing.

In fact, I’ll tell you what. So that you know, here are some other things you don’t have to worry about – even if you read about it on a blog or hear it on talk radio:

• There is no secular War on Puppies.

• Or Kittens, or Baby Seals.

• There is no secular War on Moms Everywhere.

• There is no secular War on Reruns of TV Shows Starring Michael Landon.

• There is no secular war on Great Discounted Knick-Knacks You Can Find at Target.

• There is no secular War on Walking, Holding Hands on the Beach at Sunset.

• There is no secular War on That Little Thing They Put in Guiness Cans That Make The Little Tiny Bubbles That Make It Taste So Creamy Good.

• There is no secular War on Justin Bieber. (Though if I’m being totally honest, we’re not entirely united on this front.)

Also, there is no secular War on Kirk Cameron per se, but we secularists would definitely owe you a solid if you could keep him away from us. He kind of creeps us out. Thanks.

Happy Holidays!